And yes, that IS to be confused with Christian Domestic Violence.
In a nutshell, it's a way of life that promotes wife beating in the Christian community...
Detailed in the Beginning Domestic Discipline's "Beginner's Packet," a 54-page document that lays out the basic principles and practices of CDD, is the following explanation:
"Domestic discipline is the practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of the household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measure to create a healthy home environmental and the necessary measures to protect all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes by punishing the contributing, and thus unwanted, behaviors for the greater good of the family."
That roughly translates to the man of the household (HoH) administering spanking, privilege withdrawal and time outs to his wife when she misbehaves.
The Christian Domestic Discipline Yahoo! group, opens with a quote from Hebrews 12:11:
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
And, whom are we to train into righteousness and peace? Women only (duh)! The group's description goes on to say:
"We offer a LOVING approach to all who wish to learn and grow in a traditional Male, head of household, female submissive, Christian Domestic Discipline relationship."
But please be clear...
"This is not a typical "spank" site. We are NOT a dating service, a list for personal ads, bratting, erotic stories, or alternate lifestyles. We do not discuss Sadomasochism, the disciplining of children, same gender relationships, or Fem domination/male submission."
Got it.
So how does one handle the situation if the need for punishment arises? Beginning Domestic Discipline "Beginner's Packet" lays out a few rules to live by:
Lecturing
According to the pamphlet, there are three components to the punishment process: the lecture, the punishment itself, and the subsequent comforting.
"If the submissive partner asks, “What’s my punishment going to be?” it’s recommended the HoH say something along the lines of, “Don’t worry about that too much right now, dear. Let’s just go into the bedroom and talk about what happened. I want to hear your side of the story. I just want to get to the bottom of what happened.”... It’s recommended that the HoH essentially “walk” the submissive partner through the conversation and let them do most of the talking/thinking."
Removing Privileges
The list of privileges that "can be removed" include credit card privileges, driving privileges, "going out with friends" privileges, computer privileges, phone privileges, and cosmetic privileges.
"This punishment is generally used when the privilege is being misused or abused, but it can also be a punishment for specific behaviors. It can be used as motivation as well. For example, "Before I left for work you said you'd get all the laundry done, but it sounds like you've watched TV all day instead. No more TV until the laundry is finished. It's up to you as to when you get your TV privilege back." That sort of thing."
Corner Time/Bedroom Time
These are fairly typical "time outs," the sort of punishment a parent administers to a child in primary school.
"Corner time is considered to be a reasonable and appropriate punishment to address behaviors such as a poor attitude, failure to listen, nagging, light back talking, or any other minor behavior deemed immature, annoying, or completely uncalled for and unnecessary by the head of the household."
Spanking
This is, predictably, the longest section of the packet - it constantly reaffirms that the head of household "MUST be under control when administering a spanking,"which is administered when "a mistake is made, or poor judgment is exhibited by the submissive partner."
"Rubbing the buttocks after the spanking, or providing ice/lotion/aloe vera is not recommended. Rubbing or providing a soothing pain reliever essentially defeats the purpose of a spanking. The spanking must be painful to act as a strong deterrent to repeating the unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behavior in the future."
They actually give you loads of handy tips, for example, if you're unsure what equipment to use to spank your wife, why not use a hairbrush? It's just "excellent for achieving the desired sting", but it can break easily. So perhaps a ping pong paddle would be better? It is quiet and sturdy, but may not sting as much as is required to get the message across.
Detailed in the Beginning Domestic Discipline's "Beginner's Packet," a 54-page document that lays out the basic principles and practices of CDD, is the following explanation:
"Domestic discipline is the practice between two consenting life partners in which the head of the household (HoH) takes the necessary measures to achieve a healthy relationship dynamic; the necessary measure to create a healthy home environmental and the necessary measures to protect all members of the family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes by punishing the contributing, and thus unwanted, behaviors for the greater good of the family."
That roughly translates to the man of the household (HoH) administering spanking, privilege withdrawal and time outs to his wife when she misbehaves.
The Christian Domestic Discipline Yahoo! group, opens with a quote from Hebrews 12:11:
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
And, whom are we to train into righteousness and peace? Women only (duh)! The group's description goes on to say:
"We offer a LOVING approach to all who wish to learn and grow in a traditional Male, head of household, female submissive, Christian Domestic Discipline relationship."
But please be clear...
"This is not a typical "spank" site. We are NOT a dating service, a list for personal ads, bratting, erotic stories, or alternate lifestyles. We do not discuss Sadomasochism, the disciplining of children, same gender relationships, or Fem domination/male submission."
Got it.
So how does one handle the situation if the need for punishment arises? Beginning Domestic Discipline "Beginner's Packet" lays out a few rules to live by:
Lecturing
According to the pamphlet, there are three components to the punishment process: the lecture, the punishment itself, and the subsequent comforting.
"If the submissive partner asks, “What’s my punishment going to be?” it’s recommended the HoH say something along the lines of, “Don’t worry about that too much right now, dear. Let’s just go into the bedroom and talk about what happened. I want to hear your side of the story. I just want to get to the bottom of what happened.”... It’s recommended that the HoH essentially “walk” the submissive partner through the conversation and let them do most of the talking/thinking."
Removing Privileges
The list of privileges that "can be removed" include credit card privileges, driving privileges, "going out with friends" privileges, computer privileges, phone privileges, and cosmetic privileges.
"This punishment is generally used when the privilege is being misused or abused, but it can also be a punishment for specific behaviors. It can be used as motivation as well. For example, "Before I left for work you said you'd get all the laundry done, but it sounds like you've watched TV all day instead. No more TV until the laundry is finished. It's up to you as to when you get your TV privilege back." That sort of thing."
Corner Time/Bedroom Time
These are fairly typical "time outs," the sort of punishment a parent administers to a child in primary school.
"Corner time is considered to be a reasonable and appropriate punishment to address behaviors such as a poor attitude, failure to listen, nagging, light back talking, or any other minor behavior deemed immature, annoying, or completely uncalled for and unnecessary by the head of the household."
Spanking
This is, predictably, the longest section of the packet - it constantly reaffirms that the head of household "MUST be under control when administering a spanking,"which is administered when "a mistake is made, or poor judgment is exhibited by the submissive partner."
"Rubbing the buttocks after the spanking, or providing ice/lotion/aloe vera is not recommended. Rubbing or providing a soothing pain reliever essentially defeats the purpose of a spanking. The spanking must be painful to act as a strong deterrent to repeating the unwanted, dangerous, or detrimental behavior in the future."
They actually give you loads of handy tips, for example, if you're unsure what equipment to use to spank your wife, why not use a hairbrush? It's just "excellent for achieving the desired sting", but it can break easily. So perhaps a ping pong paddle would be better? It is quiet and sturdy, but may not sting as much as is required to get the message across.
It's a toughy.
According to Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who has written a book on abuse in Christian homes, CDD is "an outlet for emotionally disturbed men with intimacy deficits".
One look at the Christian DD Group Advice blog confirms this. Although it only dates back to 2008, it's filled with entries from women who no longer enjoy the practice because it's transformed into a method of intimidation and control.
In one post, an anonymous woman wrote that "spanking [has] worked too well. It's gone from something that brings us together to something that I am really afraid of. So afraid that I will do anything I can to avoid one."
According to the Daily Beast, another woman wrote on a different popular CDD blog:
"I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce....I chose divorce. I couldn’t handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically."
A woman named April took to the CDD advice blog to complain that that she'd assumed that DD "would be just what [she] was looking for"; however, the lack of communication between herself and her husband had begun to infuriate her. "Where do my feelings and needs fall within his leadership though?... How am I supposed to respond when he thinks that a spanking will fix everything and reset things between us yet there's no discussion involved?"
And what about when a man makes a mistake? Vera, a CDD practitioner, explains that it's not the woman's job to point that out. "[My husband] self corrects," she tells the Daily Beast.
According to the Beginning Domestic Discipline packet, the husband's means of addressing his own mistakes is to give his wife a "very heart-felt and sincere apology", and then to "make a genuine, conscious effort to prevent the mistake from happening again." After all, "if the submissive partner is expected to follow the rules, the head of the household is as well." The only difference is that the submissive partner has no power at all to decide what the rules should be.
According to Jim Alsdurf, a forensic psychologist who has written a book on abuse in Christian homes, CDD is "an outlet for emotionally disturbed men with intimacy deficits".
One look at the Christian DD Group Advice blog confirms this. Although it only dates back to 2008, it's filled with entries from women who no longer enjoy the practice because it's transformed into a method of intimidation and control.
In one post, an anonymous woman wrote that "spanking [has] worked too well. It's gone from something that brings us together to something that I am really afraid of. So afraid that I will do anything I can to avoid one."
According to the Daily Beast, another woman wrote on a different popular CDD blog:
"I wanted the spankings to stop and my husband told me it was either DD and marriage or divorce....I chose divorce. I couldn’t handle the pain of spankings anymore, emotionally or physically."
A woman named April took to the CDD advice blog to complain that that she'd assumed that DD "would be just what [she] was looking for"; however, the lack of communication between herself and her husband had begun to infuriate her. "Where do my feelings and needs fall within his leadership though?... How am I supposed to respond when he thinks that a spanking will fix everything and reset things between us yet there's no discussion involved?"
And what about when a man makes a mistake? Vera, a CDD practitioner, explains that it's not the woman's job to point that out. "[My husband] self corrects," she tells the Daily Beast.
According to the Beginning Domestic Discipline packet, the husband's means of addressing his own mistakes is to give his wife a "very heart-felt and sincere apology", and then to "make a genuine, conscious effort to prevent the mistake from happening again." After all, "if the submissive partner is expected to follow the rules, the head of the household is as well." The only difference is that the submissive partner has no power at all to decide what the rules should be.
And in case you're wondering how legit it is, there are actually thousands of couples that subscribe to this way of life...
Clint and Chelsea, another couple from a CDD forum, appear to portray CDD as a positive lifestyle choice made between consenting adults. XOJane blogger Laura Rubino, too, notes that during her own investigation of the community, most posts from the women are positive.
"Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behaviour," Rubino writes. "After the spanking, they are granted a clean slate. They don’t need to endure the days of tension and shittiness that can follow an argument unresolved through discipline."
Jim Alsdurf is adamant of it's detrimental effect, however. “No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” He told the Daily Beast. “A relationship that infantilises a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”
(Anyone watch that Channel 4 Adult Baby documentary? ;) )
The community's stated basis in Christianity is also murky, according to some.
Bryan Fischer, a controversial conservative Christian radio host, has claimed in the past that the Bible teaches Christians that men are the breadwinners and heads of the household, but when reached by The Huffington Post, Fischer dismissed any connection between the Bible and the basic principles of CDD.
"This is a horrifying trend - bizarre, twisted, unbiblical and un-Christian," says Fischer, a former pastor. "Christian husbands are taught to lay down their lives for their wives (Ephesians 5:25) and to treat them with honor as fellow-heirs of the gift of eternal life (1 Peter 3:7)."
"God in the New Testament clearly asks wives to arrange themselves under the leadership of their husbands (in Greek, the word “submit” means “to arrange under”)," Fischer continued. "But there is no place where husbands are instructed to make their wives do it or punish them if they don’t."
In 2009, Jennifer Macon-Steele wrote a column for Yahoo! Voices that suggested CDD was a growing trend among some conservative Christians in the United States. Acknowledging the questions and criticisms leveled at the lifestyle, she said CDD practitioners she had spoken with looked at it as an extension of their spirituality.
"They argue that they deserve to practice their religion in any way they see fit and to interpret the Bible in their own way. They also make it clear that women in these relationships have accepted and consented to the discipline," Macon-Steele wrote, concluding, however, that "the answers to the questions surrounding this lifestyle remain unclear... the effects of this remain to be seen."
The issue I am facing with the whole CDD thing is that I haven't reacted to it in the way one might expect. I am neither outraged nor shocked. I quite literally look at the whole thing with ambivalence, and actually, all I can think is, "here's another example of mental Christianity."
Perhaps I am desensitised to religious bullshit. I mean, my view, in no uncertain terms is that religion is now completely redundant, so isn't this just another example of the dangers of it?
I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be angry about this, but I don't seem to be able to summon the energy!
Anyone else?
L.
Clint and Chelsea, another couple from a CDD forum, appear to portray CDD as a positive lifestyle choice made between consenting adults. XOJane blogger Laura Rubino, too, notes that during her own investigation of the community, most posts from the women are positive.
"Many of them report feeling extremely calm and relaxed after being disciplined, and believe it is an expression of their husband caring about them and their marriage, enough to help them modify their behaviour," Rubino writes. "After the spanking, they are granted a clean slate. They don’t need to endure the days of tension and shittiness that can follow an argument unresolved through discipline."
Jim Alsdurf is adamant of it's detrimental effect, however. “No fool in his right mind would buy this as a legitimate way to have a relationship,” He told the Daily Beast. “A relationship that infantilises a woman is one that clearly draws a more pathological group of people.”
(Anyone watch that Channel 4 Adult Baby documentary? ;) )
The community's stated basis in Christianity is also murky, according to some.
Bryan Fischer, a controversial conservative Christian radio host, has claimed in the past that the Bible teaches Christians that men are the breadwinners and heads of the household, but when reached by The Huffington Post, Fischer dismissed any connection between the Bible and the basic principles of CDD.
"This is a horrifying trend - bizarre, twisted, unbiblical and un-Christian," says Fischer, a former pastor. "Christian husbands are taught to lay down their lives for their wives (Ephesians 5:25) and to treat them with honor as fellow-heirs of the gift of eternal life (1 Peter 3:7)."
"God in the New Testament clearly asks wives to arrange themselves under the leadership of their husbands (in Greek, the word “submit” means “to arrange under”)," Fischer continued. "But there is no place where husbands are instructed to make their wives do it or punish them if they don’t."
In 2009, Jennifer Macon-Steele wrote a column for Yahoo! Voices that suggested CDD was a growing trend among some conservative Christians in the United States. Acknowledging the questions and criticisms leveled at the lifestyle, she said CDD practitioners she had spoken with looked at it as an extension of their spirituality.
"They argue that they deserve to practice their religion in any way they see fit and to interpret the Bible in their own way. They also make it clear that women in these relationships have accepted and consented to the discipline," Macon-Steele wrote, concluding, however, that "the answers to the questions surrounding this lifestyle remain unclear... the effects of this remain to be seen."
The issue I am facing with the whole CDD thing is that I haven't reacted to it in the way one might expect. I am neither outraged nor shocked. I quite literally look at the whole thing with ambivalence, and actually, all I can think is, "here's another example of mental Christianity."
Perhaps I am desensitised to religious bullshit. I mean, my view, in no uncertain terms is that religion is now completely redundant, so isn't this just another example of the dangers of it?
I guess what I'm saying is that I want to be angry about this, but I don't seem to be able to summon the energy!
Anyone else?
L.
